Oh my god. The things I could say and would say but don't want to say. The things others don't know about you and what you are. I'd like to talk to you but I don't want to. You don't deserve to be lonely and that's the only thing that makes it okay for me to be alone. I'll make it through. It would destroy you and it destroys me because I think of you that way. 11:11, but don't make a wish because it isn't coming true because I don't have the things I'd like to. I have everything I need but nothing to want anymore. I don't know why I ever fell for you or even believed in the wishing part. It doesn't do anything other than make you feel more empty and in need of a fill. My stomach is still warm from last night. I got my fill and it was to the tune of whiskey because that is what I like. Whiskey always does me right. There is nothing that I'd like better than a nice neat shot of whiskey and it can be any sort. Hell, even the Canadians make some good of their own with Crown. I am killing myself to live and it doesn't feel wrong yet.

I don't feel alone until its bed time and my feet go crazy. Take a sip down for the sleep and it will be morning before I know it. I used to like to sleep but I am just too tired to enjoy it anymore. I don't get thirsty until it gets dark and then I'm just okay going to bed drunk as hell. This past week has been nothing but amazing for me because it has been no trouble at all to fall asleep. I don't want to be sober right now. During the day I don't feel the need to drink but honestly, as soon as it starts getting dark my liver cries for a sip or a shot. The only thing that gets me by is my job and the promise of money because money is the only measure of a man. I hate to think that way, but I have so many people that are looking for me to be successful. I don't even know if that is really what I want but I don't like to disappoint. I honestly think I would be happier moving away for a few years or a decade and becoming a monk and getting rid of all my ties to friends and family. I'd just like to be able to find the better value at life and whats to be had without anyone else but myself. I wish I never spent the time I have with the people I have sometimes because I just miss it all when I look back on it. I feel like I need to go find a forest and walk for days and start a fire somewhere far away. Next summer I am going to take the sail boat out on the lake and disappear for as long as I find necessary. I'm not taking a cell phone or anything like that. Just a few cds, a few bottles of wine, some fishing poles and the hope of not needing to buy food. I haven't found a lot of the things I have been neglecting for a long time now. I need to get back to being myself and not worrying about others so much.

I sometimes wonder about the things I would have and could have been capable of if I hadn't partied as much as I have. I feel like Mark Zuckerberg could have been me. The guys worth one point five billion dollars. I honestly look at all the people who I surround myself with and see the things we're all capable of. And what sucks the most right now is I am so torn about being young and growing up. I look forward to drinking more alcohol tonight because I'm not ready to go to bed on my own yet. It's just a phase I keep telling myself and it's not going to become alcoholism and so what if it does? I feel like I'll get ahead by staying behind for a while. I have my whole life to be old. I don't want to be old and have to worry about finding someone else. There is one person in my life that I aspire to be someday and he knows who he is. He seems like he has everything so together all the time and all the answers to all my conundrums that just make me feel sick in the mind. I'm schizophrenic and bi-polar and depressed and happy and sad and okay with it all because we all have a little in us. If I disappear tomorrow, it is because I bought a plane ticket and I'm not coming back for a while.