And that's the way we get by, the way we get by. We put faith in our concerns. And that's why I get this feeling in my stomach. An empty feeling that hurts and just hurts. Makes me want to tear my stomach out and throw it at the wall to feel a little better. I have had one other time that this feeling was in my stomach and it was when my cousin was in the hospital. I sat back helpless while he was in his coma. Now, yet again, I sit helpless to watch as it all slips away. I can take another sip, down another pill, but it is still there tomorrow and the day after that. The only thing that works is pushing the thoughts further into the back of my consciousness. I can't let these feelings surface anymore because they are leading me down a road I don't want to get lost on. Somewhere between the here and now, there isn't a clear end to it all. I want to reach out, but there is nothing and no one to reach out to. So I sit back, turn the music up a few more notches, take another sip and swallow another pill.

I'll write about Manhattan tomorrow or the day after that. I need to get this off my chest.

Just when I think I am doing good something brings me back. I want to be able to forget it all so I can be better. My mind hurts. I feel like I need to punch myself in the head to get it all right. I have never in my life been afraid of not being here. I am just as ready to go as I came. I mainly worry about everyone else and not even myself. I don't find myself afraid of much of anything in life, but there is this one thing that keeps finding me. It keeps slipping forward and coming into view in my mind. I just want to push it back and lock the door. It needs to leave and never come back, but there is a part of me that wants it to still be there. The light is on and then off again. Back to where I was before and I don't feel any better. I am never afraid. I am always ready to walk out. Driving over 120 miles an hour doesn't scare me. Whatever happens happens. So don't let it get you down no matter how much it tears you apart. Just finish what you have and be ready for the next one they are going to bring to light. I feel like I'm always in control, but then I lose it. I want it to be dark, but then the light comes on.

Four more down and the devils back in town staring me down. I want him around and I never want him to leave my side but I need to get the devils out for a while. Someone please come around and take them out and about in the town. I got my music, but she's always bringing her friends with her. And I just want to tear them down and burn them on the ground.

I'm fucked up and I know it. I don't ever want to be normal or have any normalcy to my life. I just want to be on my tip toes all the time treading over broken glass. I want money because I know that's the only thing in life that can give you happiness. I have found that you can't rely on anyone else but yourself for your happiness. Whatever you want in life can be bought with a plastic card and money in the bank. The only things that have ever brought me a consistent happiness in my life have turned out to be machines. They're predictable and you can usually have some idea as to what the outcome of things will be in the end. Too much gas around a turn and you'll lose the rear end. I should have known better that night, but I managed to get myself out of what could have been a whole mess. It's only a matter of time until I get it all off my mind. I have been dying since the day I was born. There have been things in my life that seem to have taken my mind off that all, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm dying. We all have cancer and we don't even know it yet.

And there is no way back from this. Everything hits at once. What we needs is just what we wants. I go to sleep and believing is an art. I have always been a believer even until the end and that's my problem. I gotta change my mind tonight. Something bigger than just any-one.

Taking your time and I'm standing on line. It depends it depends and it comes back again. This is a call, it aint mine; not at all and the world can sit tight and alright. The end will come slow.