So I lied because I am a liar and because this website fucks with your mind and my mind. And that was a bad sentence, but I am allowed to have those whenever I like. But I lied. I haven't had sex since New Years. Almost nine months now. I'm really not at the least bit concerned. Michael at age 18-20 would have been concerned, but this Michael is much different now. Yes, way different. I have had my chances for poon. But that is most definitely not all I am concerned with anymore. Michael even gave up touching himself. Seriously, there are times it feels as if my balls are going to explode. But it's honestly okay. Michael would have probably made fun of his friends for not having touched vagina in nine months. Michael actually would have made fun of them a year ago. But Michael is better than all of that now. Michael lives to work and strives for excellence in everything that deals with his job because for once in his life, he has found something worthwhile. Love breaks your heart. That is all it does. It breaks your heart and thank you for that dearest musical friend, Spoon.

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Believing is art. You keep telling yourself you are, and you are. You keep telling yourself your seven broken ribs hurt, they will hurt. They used to hurt and still do sometimes, but they're fine. I don't tell myself they hurt. For a long time I told myself I was in love. But was that really love? I don't fucking know anymore. Michael doesn't know. If I tell myself it was love, then it was love. But there are times in my life that I like to tell myself it wasn't love just to get by. And it works. But then there are other times that something brings your mind back a little and you think about her again. When you have a smile on your face or that feeling in your stomach because you remember something, then I can't lie to myself because that just wouldn't be right. That feeling in my stomach hasn't left when I have that smile on my face. I was kind of wishing it would have because it has been five months now. I don't get that feeling anymore about anyone else from the past. It's all so stupid. That is why I have no fear of the underdog.

If I had the chance to die over and over again, there are many things I would like to try. I'd like to try jumping from a plane without a parachute. I want to know what it feels like to know that I am going to die and there is nothing I can do about it. And I want the rush of falling to the ground and splat. I'd also like to know what it feels like to be burned alive. I'll bet that is pretty fucking intense. And I have always wondered what it feels like to be stabbed with a knife. Since my father introduced me to guns at a very young age, I have always thought about how it would feel to be shot. I know, I am fucked up. I have never ever said I am anything close to normal. I don't ever want to be normal. You should see how I act around the people I work with. Fuucck.

I don't know whats going on anymore in my life. I know I have a job. I know tomorrow I'll wake up and go to that job. I know I'll have money show up in my bank account tonight when my direct deposit goes through. And I know what love feels like or felt like for that matter. I'm hoping to find that again someday. I'm not in any sort of a rush though. Ah, the finer feelings thanks for my dearest friends, Spoon.