I sometimes find myself face down from a long night of tossing and turning. I always wake up with these red marks and lines on my body with the outlines of the plastic piping that follows the corners of my couch. I sleep on my couch and I have been since I moved in the new place. I'm waiting to buy a new mattress. I can't stand to think of sleeping on my old one. It's been a long time since I have had a new one and its most definitely time for a new one. It's been sometime coming they say and I say.

I wake up in the morning and I head into the bathroom. I wash my hands: you never know where they have been the night before. I usually drain the dragon because I find myself being to lazy to get up and do it before bed. After standing over the toilet for a good five minutes, I walk back into my bed room. Over the last week or so, I have been doing one hundred crunches every other day. For once in my life, I finally find myself waking up the next morning with a sore stomach. It feels good and I like the look. After the crunches, I turn open iTunes back up and start a few good songs. I then start the shower and hop in. After the shower, I dry my hair and brush my teeth. Then I get dressed and fill my pocket with the things I carry: keys, phone, handkerchief, wallet, and some spare change for the vending machine. Then it is off to work.

That is how I begin my day.

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Then the rest of the day is full of variables. The biggest concern of my day is usually, "where is lunch going to come from?" For that question, I usually rely on someone elses input. I get lunch with her pretty much every day. It's nice, you know? Today, she asked me if I missed my significant other. That was a really hard question to answer. I still am not sure about it.

I don't know what I miss anymore. If I don't have it anymore then I can't keep missing it forever. I mean yes, I miss her. Yes I miss talking to her. But I can't talk to her and I don't think its a good idea anymore. I always said if things were going to end with her, things would have to be different because things were different with her. I always told myself if things end, I gotta keep this girl in my life. But now that is not even an option. I miss her but I can't keep missing her. She probably doesn't even think about me anymore. She surely doesn't think I care anymore because she hasn't told me how things went and how things are. I worried about it for a long time and I've been trying to not worry about it. If it was important or I still was, she would have at least let me know. So the best thing to do is push it all to the back of my mind and think about something else or someone else. I have been pretty good at that. It's one of the skills I learned from my father.

And I still don't know what I miss anymore. I've lost a lot of good things in my life. I think about them every now and then too, but then its all back to that point: whats the point? I will never have those cars back. I'll never have that woman back. So whats the fucking point in dwelling on it? I hate that circle of things. It gets me no where really fast.

I never answered her. I really couldn't answer her question. And I don't think I ever will be able to. However, I do know this, "you don't ever want to get some place you cannot believe." Life takes you to some pretty beautiful, amazing places. I look back at things and I can only think to myself, "wow, really?"