No sorry will take away the stagnant sorrow and sadness still in my plane of sight. I'm awake but my eyes aren't open. I'm sleeping now but my eyes still aren't closed. I don't want to wake up. I'd go to bed at 8pm if I knew I'd stay asleep the whole night. Prying open my third eye is the only way I'll be awake. Meditation every night before bed, just before, maybe after some Tool sounds like its what needs to be on my to-do list. Maybe I'll even do it before work too. And maybe even after work. I need to find myself again because I dropped the leash sometime ago and I have been running wild ever since. Extremely too energetic as of lately. I have been trying to turn that energy into muscle. That perfect push-up thingy as seen on TV seems to work pretty well. My roommate and I have been using it almost every day. My maximum used to be like 13. Now its over 20. I could do 25 regular push-ups in a row, but these aren't regular push-ups. I am also putting my 12lb medicine ball to use when I do crunches and sit-ups. As of lately, I've been noticing a difference. I am getting my six pack back slowly. But it will be back and thats all that matters. It will probably even be better than it has ever been. I'm excited for that. I'm glad for my metabolism. Without it I'd be a fat slob, at least I probably would be. I'm going to try to start working on my abs for 2 hours a night. Thats the plan at least.

I lose a lot of things. I'm always losing things and forgetting where I put them. I'm smoking a Red now. Nice. I enjoy smoking. I'm back to that again. I'm not sure if thats a bad thing. I used to think it was, but they calm me. I know there are other ways to calm myself, but I like this calm again. I'm back to enjoying the smoke filling my lungs and the buzz that it gives me. I wouldn't even say I'm addicted because I don't smoke a pack a day or anything like that. I did for a while, but its not bad yet.

The brakes on my 735i have been getting worse and worse. I got new Brembo rotors and Mintex pads on the way. I plan on doing the brakes this weekend. It's been a while since I did the brakes myself. Hell, it's been a while since I've worked on a car myself. I like using tools. I also like Tool. But I hate tools. I've been mixed up with some in my life. They are out of the box now though. I don't even bother answering when they call my name out. Bye tools.

Pushit. I get paid on Thursday. It's going to be a fat paycheck. Over $1k. I'm glad I found this job. I have a lot of things I want and need the money for. I'm getting my seats in the cabrio redone. Black Nappa leather for the side bolsters and pearl beige Alcantara for the centers. New leather shift boot too. And probably get the steering wheel redone in Alcantara. I can't wait to be driving that car again. I'm putting surgery on my hand off until that car is back in the garage again for the winter. I can't drive a standard transmission in a cast. God I can't wait to be unconscious again. I love saying goodbye to the surgeon and the nurses wondering if I'll ever be back again. Its one of the best feelings falling asleep like that.

I'm pretty sure I am going to go to the police academy when I am done with school next year. I'll go back to home and be a cop for a year or so with my father. Then my plan will probably take me to a big city like New York. I want to work somewhere that has a full time SWAT team. I remember when I was younger helping my dad get all his gear on and watching him check his MP5 before he flew out of the driveway in his cruiser. I go to work with him today and see the people he helps. I need to do something with my life to help others. I think it will help me.