Love breaks your heart. It really does. Over the weekend, I did a lot of thinking. I throw the word "love" around a lot. My family is pretty open about feelings and we use the word quite often. I mean it with them, that is for sure. But after doing a lot of thinking, I realized some pretty fucked up things about my life.

I've had three girlfriends since I have been in college. The first one really changed my mind about girls. I hung out with her almost non-stop at the end of Freshman year. I really honestly didn't love her. I had a lot of fun spending time with her, but I most definitely did not love her. My second girlfriend happened sophomore year. I was with her for a good five months or so. I enjoyed spending time with her. However, things were different with her. All I did with her was get fucked up and fuck. That was pretty much it. I enjoyed the time I spent with her, but there were times I needed to have to myself. That is how I knew things were different. And with her, I had a near death experience. The closeness I felt with her had a lot to do with the accident. My father told me not to let that event influence how I felt about her. I didn't take his advice too well. Needless to say, at the time, I thought I was in love with her. I most definitely was not looking back on things now. She was something good for the time. I did miss her sometime after we broke up, but I didn't actually love her. Most of the feelings I had towards her all stemmed from the car accident. And man that was fucked up.

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My brain works in mysterious ways. That picture is how I see my head. I drew it. And after thinking a lot this past weekend, there has only been one love in my life. And that was my last girlfriend. I still think about her all the time and it makes me crawl in my skin when I do. I can't even explain how it makes me feel, but I honestly crawl in my skin when something makes me think of her. It annoys me so much when she gets on my mind because I can't talk to her. I do everything I possibly can to keep her off my mind and when I fail to do so, its so hard to get her back off my mind.

The reason why I know this person was the only person I truly loved? Many reasons. The most apparent reason is simply put, I loved being around her. I would have much rather had her around than not. I didn't need to be fucked up to enjoy her company, even though I was a lot of the times. I would go see her in her studio from eleven at night until five in the morning sometimes. I can't even explain the feelings I had towards her. I did some amazing and fun things with her. In March I traveled an entire day to see her in Europe. We spent a week and a half in Italy, Germany, and the Netherlands. We woke up every morning and walked all around all day long. And when I was in Amsterdam, I didn't find it necessary to smoke my self retarded.

And why do I crawl in my skin when something reminds me of her? She got away. And there is so much that reminds me of her. I'm trying to lock all that stuff away in my head until another day when it will all be okay again. And that fucking Oasis song is all I can think about now. There are a lot of things I'd like to say, but I don't know how and I don't know why. I do know this, she was the only girl I've ever had in my life that I truly loved. She was the only person that actually meant something and the only person who still hurts five months later. I fucked up. Things happen for a reason I have been told. I hope someday when everything is all over and done with, someone somewhere else can explain my life to me because I can't make sense of anything.